Thursday, August 2, 2007

Interesting...

Well, this week has been spent at the doctor's office, the gym and toting Nathan around town. It is my last week of the summer holidays, the last week with Nathan home with me and I am EXHAUSTED!
Strange that I am kind of happy but also kind of sad about the end of the summer. I want Nathan to go back to daycare because he is whiney at times (I know it is mainly when he is tired, but I am starting to lose the very little patience I have with him) and I am kind of sad because it won't be him and I anymore. I feel bad because I wanted to do so much this summer and it didn't happen! Instead I slacked, I cleaned the house and all, but that isn't good enough! I made dinners for Ben and Nathan almost every day this summer and we spent a lot of time in the pool, but the academics really went down the tubes this year! I wanted to try to get him working on reading this year! Nope, didn't happen.
Am I a crappy mother? I feel like one! I spent a lot of time with him, taking him places but it really wasn't QUALITY kind of time. Instead it was rush here, rush there. You know? I mean, I am wondering if maybe I should have spent more time with him - sitting reading books and stuff - then maybe he wouldn't be so whiney or mischievous. I don't know.

I have some other stuff on my mind....
I feel depressed. I feel like there is nowhere for me to be or fit in anywhere. I feel like I don't matter and what I do doesn't matter either. I just don't know what to think or even what to do to change it. My faith seems to be failing me and I am not sure where to turn for help. I don't feel helpless or suicidal (thank God) but I feel like I don't belong, that I don't have REAL friends to turn to. Even my friendships from Canada are not the same as they were.....I realized that when Sarah was visiting me. Lonely.......

Well, I am off to go and put together a kick butt step class so that if that instructor from last night shows up, she'll really know what a step class is all about!!!

Ciao!

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